What, if anything, is wrong with lawyers?

After one week of jury duty, I've become more convinced than ever of the following things:

1. New York City is indeed a dangerous place.
2. People are stupid.
3. Lawyers make things way more complicated than they really need to be. (No news here, huh?)

I imagine it's probably a different story when you've lived in New York all your life, but when you move here from somewhere else, namely a sheltered suburban setting, it goes something like this: You arrive in New York with a head full of all the stories you heard about people getting mugged in broad daylight, murdered on school playgrounds, and assaulted in their own homes. You are paranoid and you look for it everywhere but you just don't see it. After a while you start to believe that the stories were all horribly exaggerated, or maybe just plain made up. You develop a sense of security and you are more or less comfortable. Then one day after you've been here for a few years, you get called up for grand jury duty where you get to sit and listen to story after story about horrible things that actually happened to real people right here in New York City, and you realize that all the stories you heard before you moved here were actually true, after all. Yes, Virginia, New York City is a dangerous place.

People are stupid. There's just no getting around that fact. I don't know if it's TV, the internet, fast food, public school, NASCAR, Paulie Shore, or what it is, but people have just stopped using their brains. I wish I could find a way to blame this on good ol' Dubbya Bush, but this has been going on since way before he finagled his way into office. Nobody thinks anymore. They can't process information, even the simplest bits. Don't believe me? Sit on a grand jury sometime. When a witness or a police officer finishes their story and the Assistant District Attorney asks the jury if they have any questions about the testimony, and 8 people ask questions the answers to which were clearly explained in the story we JUST heard, and 5 others ask questions that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever, you'll want to boil your own head in a vat of putrescent cottage cheese too. I realize this sounds awfully high handed of me, and I'm sorry for that, but come on people. Listen and process. Not a difficult task by any stretch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone is stupid, but I fear that it is rapidly becoming (or has already become) the rule rather than the exception.


Lawyers. I know I don't really have to say anything about lawyers, they're pretty universally despised already. But sitting on the grand jury has finally revealed to me the reason why legal proceedings take so bloody long. Why can't lawyers ever speak a sentence with less than 87 words in it? Or, more to the point, couldn't they just say what it is they're trying to say? If you have to ask someone, "Did you do ever get such-and-such item back?" Would you say,

A. "Did you ever get such-and-such item back?"
or
B. "Did you, at any time, ever see such-and-such item again, and, if so, what were the circumstances under which you saw said such-and-such item?"

I think most of us would go ahead and use option A. Simple, effective. It gets the point across and you get the answer you need. The lawyers on the other hand, all go with option B. Why? Who knows? Probably so they don't get sued. Ha! Most of the time it just confuses the witness, and when they finally understand the question and answer it, they still have to also be asked "Was such-and-such item returned to you at that time, or at any time after that?" So now they've asked two long, ridiculous questions just to get the answer to one simple question. This is my favorite one, though. They never ask someone "What happened next?" or "What did you do next?" It's always "What, if anything, did you observe after such-and-such event?" Again, it's more complicated than it needs to be, but, more than that, why the fuck do they have to say "if anything?" If nothing had happened, we wouldn't all be there in that room listening that horrible story to begin with. Please, for the love of Pete, just say what you mean. They also end up repeating themselves an awful lot, which wouldn't be so bad if it was just because they forgot what they had already said. But it's not. They repeat the same disclaimers over and over and over and over. Just say it once, we get the picture. It would make everyone a whole lot happier. And we could go home much earlier.

All that aside, jury duty can actually be pretty interesting. The stories you hear are mostly terrible and sad, but at the same time...well, uh, I was going to write something here that was meant to be poignant, but my brain just decided to give up and shut itself down. Sorry. I guess I just got my share of the stupid. Maybe I should go watch something on MTV.

My new ride...

My new bike finally arrived today! Well, new to me, anyway. It's a 2006 Scott Speedster S50, which is an entry level road race bike. Double-butted aluminum frame, carbon fork and seatpost, Sora component group (which will be upgraded to a 105/Ultegra mix as soon as possible), and an Alex wheelset. The only thing the frame doesn't have that I wanted is carbon seatstays, but it seems to ride just fine without them.

Older, not so much wiser...

I recently had one of those "You know you're getting older when..." moments. I went to the laundr-o-mat with a pocket full of quarters, only to discover that the washers and dryers there no longer take quarters. They now have a little card slot where you swipe your pre-paid laundry card. Pre-Paid laundry card? What is this? Ok, where do I get one...over there, at the pre-paid laundry card vending machine. I walk up to the pre-paid laundry card vending machine with quarters in hand, only to discover that the pre-paid laundry card vending machine doesn't take quarters either. Bills only. Well, I don't have any bills. I can't do laundry! At the risk of sounding like your/my/a grandfather, I remember time was when you couldn't do laundry if you didn't have a pocket full of quarters. Now you can't do laundry because you've got a pocket full of quarters? What is going on here? I don't get it.

Only 2 Weeks - or - Kill Me Now

I got selected for my first ever jury duty today! I'll be serving 2 weeks on a Grand Jury. This is not the jury in the big fancy courtroom with the polished wood you see in the movies and TV shows, but the jury that sits in a crappy little room at the end of a hall somewhere else in the court building. The Grand Jury listens to evidence and testimonies in order to determine if there's enough of a case to actually send it on to trial. Whoopee. Sounds like fun, right? While I am open to the possibility that something interesting may occur over these next two weeks, I'm preparing myself for the more likely possibility that this will be a very long two weeks. Not so much because I don't want to be doing it (although I'm not exactly peeing with glee, either) but based on the experience we had just during the selection and "education" process. Once we got picked and assigned to a jury, they spent the next 3 hours explaining to us exactly what it is we would be doing. They could have summed it up in just 3 sentences.

1. Listen to the evidence.
2. Ask any questions you may have.
3. Make your decision and cast your vote.

That's it. It could have been done in 1 minute, 2 or 3 if they felt the need to repeat it a few times. Instead it took three hours of legal-eze and pep talks about what an honor it is to serve on a Grand Jury and do your civic duty. Right. If it were such an honor, they'd be paying more than $40 a day. Actually, I got really lucky being picked for this jury. I only have to serve 2 weeks. Sometimes they get you for 4 weeks, sometimes they get you for 6 months. 6 months?! And you don't get any more than $40/day for the longer sentences, leaving me to wonder, if your employer doesn't pay you when you're on jury duty, how the hell are you supposed to pay your rent if you get stuck on a 6 month jury? Does the court give you a note for your landlord?

"Dear Mr. Landlord,
Johnny doesn't have to pay rent for 6 months because...well, just because."

Somehow, I can't really see that one working out. It is illegal for an employer to fire you because of jury duty, but is it also illegal to get evicted for not paying rent because of jury duty? I'm guessing not.

They also kept telling us that we're not allowed to talk about anything that happens on the Grand Jury. Don't talk about the cases, don't talk about your fellow jury members, don't talk about the votes. Ok, that's fine. It lends an air of mystery that is conspicuously missing from the whole grand jury thing. See? You already want to know all about it, don't you? Actually, you don't. Really. It would either bore you to sleep, or horrify you, depending on the case. It's better that you don't know. The nice thing about all this is, I might finally be able to honestly say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

Top 10 Day

Today is going in my top 10 favorite days so far this year. I went out this morning and did my first mountain bike ride on an actual mountain bike trail. To put it simply, it was an awesome experience. It completely blows city riding away. Getting out of the city and spending a couple of hours in the woods is not only a great big pile of fun, it's also good for the soul. I went out to Cathedral Pines on Long Island and, this being my first ride, I figured I'd take it easy and try not to hurt myself, or wrap my bike around a tree. It's a six mile trail, with an optional 5.5 additional miles of "advanced hill-climbs." I skipped the advanced hill-climbs. I took my time and made it through in about an hour. I stopped a few times to eat and drink on the way through, I was in no real hurry. I had so much fun that when I got to the end, I didn't quite feel finished so I went for another lap around. This time I thought I'd try to go a little faster. Not long after starting the second lap, I caught up with some younger riders on what appeared to be cheap BMX bikes. One of them was on a bike that was way too small for him, and he appeared to be struggling a bit. The other had obviously been there before and knew his way around the trail pretty well. He was moving surprisingly quickly so I started following him, trying to keep up. We quickly left the other guy behind and went on for a chase down the trail. This was a humbling experience. I realize this was my first real mountain bike ride, but I've been road biking for a little while now and I feel like I'm a halfway decent rider. I've got the fancy padded shorts, the clipless pedals and the special shoes, a good bike and a bag of spare parts and tools. This kid was riding a piece of crap bike, wearing tennis shoes, jeans and a sweatshirt, and wasn't even wearing a helmet but he still smoked me through this trail. I kept up with him ok for about 20 minutes or so but I finally had to stop because my hands had gone completely numb on the bars, and I really needed to eat and drink some water. But he never stopped or slowed once. I was really impressed. I got underway again after I ate and had a rest, and it wasn't long before I saw a herd of deer running through the woods. Man, what a great day. I finished the second loop in about 45 minutes, I think, and I wanted to do it again, but I didn't want to push my luck. Plus I was out of food and water.

I also met a guy named Dan who was there with his son Daniel. Daniel looked to be about 9 or 10 years old. Dan is an experienced mountain biker, but it was Daniels first time out on a trail. They had already completed one lap and were getting ready to start another when I was talking to them. Evidently Daniel hadn't had quite enough either. I was glad to see he was having as much fun as I had. So, long story short, I will definitely be doing a lot more mountain biking, hopefully I can get a few more rides in before it gets too cold and starts snowing.

Erm, hi.

Well, I still don't really have anything in partcular to write about, but I felt the need to at least pop in and say hi. Hi!

yawn

I really gotta find something to write about...